Parenting could be hazardous to your mental health, according to the U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek H. Murthy. He issued “Parents Under Pressure,” a report that declared there was a need to address the trials parents face. The report is an official Surgeon General’s Advisory. This carries more weight than an off-hand declaration. It implies that the subject can lead to medical catastrophes for many.
A Surgeon General’s Advisory “is a public statement that calls the American people’s attention to an urgent public health issue and provides recommendations for how it should be addressed,” and “advisories are reserved for significant public health challenges that require the nation’s immediate awareness and action.”
Parents are not the only ones negatively impacted by a decline in their mental health. Their hurt extends to others. “Parental mental health conditions can have far-reaching and profound implications for children, families as a whole, and for society, including increased health care costs and reduced economic productivity,” according to the Surgeon General’s Advisory.
Children whose parents face intense mental health challenges have an increased risk of encountering the same struggles.
“Research indicates that maternal distress—defined broadly to include perceived stress, life events, depression, and anxiety— during the prenatal period is associated with a child’s future increased risk for mental health conditions.
Paternal mental health conditions are less well studied, but research indicates they can also significantly influence child health and development, with perinatal depression in fathers linked to increased internalizing (e.g., sadness, anxiety, and depression) and externalizing symptoms (e.g., aggression, irritability, and destructive behaviors) among children.”
The report cited several factors that have made contemporary parenting even more difficult than it has been in previous generations. These included “financial strain, economic instability, and poverty,” “parental isolation and loneliness,” and “technology and social media.”
According to the report, “Over the past decade, parents have been consistently more likely to report experiencing high levels of stress compared to other adults.”
It referenced a study by the American Psychological Association that found that nearly half of the parents who participated felt entirely consumed by stress daily.
He penned an op-ed for the New York Times, declaring that parents need access to the support they need.
“The stress and mental health challenges faced by parents — just like loneliness, workplace well-being, and the impact of social media on youth mental health — aren’t always visible, but they can take a steep toll. It’s time to recognize they constitute a serious public health concern for our country. Parents who feel pushed to the brink deserve more than platitudes. They need tangible support,” wrote Dr. Murthy.
We turned to an expert for insights on navigating these community challenges. One of the major recommendations was to recognize the nuance in each situation. “The unique stressors parents face may vary region by region based on economic situations, children’s safety within a given community, and isolation and loneliness, especially if parents live in a rural community. Many rural communities lack sufficient resources to engage individuals at the community level as needed,” said Victor Armstrong, MSW and Vice President for Health Equity and Engagement at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, in a statement to Black Health Matters.
“As the Surgeon General noted, circumstances like community violence, poverty, racism, and discrimination, can also increase the risk for mental health conditions. These circumstances also vary region by region,” he added.
He shared information to help people identify parents who might benefit from support. “Something to look out for when a parent may be struggling with their mental health is a change in behavior or the presence of entirely new behaviors. This is of sharpest concern if the new or changed behavior is related to a painful event, loss, or change,” according to Armstrong.
“In addition to behaviors like increased substance use, withdrawing or isolating themselves from activities, or getting too much or too little sleep, changes can also include how someone talks or their mood. If a person talks about feeling hopeless, being a burden to others, feeling trapped, and/or unbearable pain, or displays moods of losing interest in things they usually enjoy and/or irritability, it may be time to get help.”
Armstrong mentioned how cultural factors can also impact one’s mental health toolbox, sharing his experience with being encouraged to focus on faith as a catch-all solution. “The response to mental health stressors can also be impacted culturally. Growing up in rural North Carolina, as the son of a minister, I was socialized not to talk about mental health, but rather to pray and persevere,” he said.
Armstrong considers an increased dialogue on the subject a step in the right direction. “We can all play a role in protecting parents’ mental health and actions like reaching out to a parent to have conversations about mental health, staying connected, helping parents prioritize self-care, learning about the warning signs for mental health challenges, and connecting parents to mental health support are universal,” he said.
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention created the Talk Away The Dark campaign “to prompt direct conversations about suicide to save lives.” It includes five directives that are useful in conversations about mental health. Armstrong suggests using them to engage parents.
See below how you can help support the parents in your life.
Schedule a Time To Talk
Etiquette guides have been advocating asking permission to have difficult conversations for decades. This type of approach is recommended for mental health check-ins as well. “You may not always be able to speak with someone when you notice they might be struggling. It’s fine to circle back some other time, but creating some space to talk is the perfect thing to do,” said Armstrong.
“Let them know you can have a conversation at a time that’s right for them,” he added.
Start With An Expression Of Care, Followed By An Observation
Starting with soft language can set the stage to interact without offending. “You can say something like, I care about you, and I’ve noticed you haven’t been yourself lately. You seem more frustrated than you’ve been in a while, and I’m wondering how you’re doing,” says Armstrong.
Reassure the person it’s okay to talk about their mental health. Throughout the conversation, you can say, “Everyone goes through periods in their life when they’re struggling. But just because you’re struggling now doesn’t mean you’ll always feel this way.”
If They Are Hesitant To Share With You, Offer To Help Connect Them To Someone Neutral
It can be helpful to have suggestions for alternative people for your loved one to connect with in case they are uncomfortable or not ready to share with you. “If you suspect your loved one might be more comfortable talking with someone else, you can say things like, ‘Is talking to me about this helping you right now? Or is there someone else you’d feel more comfortable with, who we can bring in to help support you?’ Mentioning they can get help from a mental health professional can also make a difference,” said Armstrong.
Follow Up Again and Again and Again
You may have to connect with your loved one more than once to offer what they need. It is normal to have a series of discussions.
“Reiterate that you are so glad for the chance to connect on this deeper level about such meaningful things in life. Remind them that we all have challenges and that you’ll continue to be there for them,” said Armstrong.